As seen in the first issue of Exeposé for the new editorial team, here’s a piece of satire based on the election:
A newly-discovered battery defect has finally explained why politicians across the country have been stuck in a loop for the past five years.
The crisis was only noticed recently, when a 2011 video of Ed Miliband went viral on social media. In the clip, Ed received 79 different questions, and gave exactly the same response each time. Since the interview spread online, other videos of ‘the Milibot’ have also been scrutinised. Battery specialist Mr Brian Cell looked specifically at the first TV debate, and noted that Ed kept “powering down while facing the camera”, often after repeating the phrase ‘the viewers at home’. And it’s not just the Labour leader – the issue is apparently so widespread that the two Coalition leaders were forced to skip the second debate last week, in an attempt to recharge overnight.
The earliest example of the flaw came in 2010, when George Osborne’s robotic refusal to offer any additional information on the state of the economy led him to say the word “growth” non-stop for two minutes – nearly equalling the world record for repetition, currently held by Daft Punk. This recurring issue had previously been put down to Osborne’s descendancy from lizards (who understandably have different cultural norms to humans), but we now know that premium power source H982FKL – installed in all Oxbridge students – actually has a serious defect.
Nigel Farage has been seen as a breath of fresh air in this regard (ironically perhaps, considering his breath is normally laced with toxic amounts of alcohol and tobacco fumes). Farage has been running on coal power since 1985, following a tricky operation which saw a range of irreversible side-effects including racism, sexism and insufferable self-righteousness. On the positive side, Farage can run unscripted for an entire week, only pausing occasionally (to blame the immigrants).
Nicola Sturgeon also survived the scare, as she runs on nuclear power – hence her jealousy of Trident and her interest in destroying the country. She says she was originally inspired to take the radioactive implant by the potency of the nuclear device which saved the world in her favourite film, ‘Independence Day’.
The Lib Dems, on the other hand, are still stuck in controversy. A few years ago, Nickola Clegg promised the general public that his batteries were working as normal. However, it has since been revealed that he will lose his power within a week. Clegg says he is “sorry” for the confusion.
Leanne Wood was even quoted as saying, “blah blah Wales blah”.
It is well-documented that Natalie Bennett is powered by rabbit food. Although she is adamant that the resource is not running out, David Cameron was quick to point out that rabbits will have to face many ‘ears of austerity following their reckless burrowing. But it remains to be seen whether Cameron will stay in charge, much longer.
(image by: Robert Kaufman)